Tonight On The Mike Malloy Show

Crash
So, the lost souls call themselves “PUMAs.” Which, I’ve learned, means “Party Unity My Ass.” Wow. That’s really cool. Has such a Middle School, pre-teen flavor to it. “Two bits, Four bits, Six bits, a Dollar! All for Hillary, Stand up and Holler!” Ya-aaaaaay! (Shriek! Shriek! Scream! Scream! Jump up and down! Sob! Pull your hair!)

PUMAs, huh? Disaffected female Democrats who feel Her Holiness didn’t get treated properly, respectfully, by the democratic process, right? Borderline nut cases who would rather see, what? a process that disregards the Primary selection system and chooses a presidential nominee, how? by declaration? Hey, we can all agree the Primary process sucks, but so does just about every aspect of our phony system of “choosing” one of the two corporate-approved candidates every election cycle. The PUMAs think only that part that denied their candidate the nomination is fucked up? Please. C’mon, girls. Do something constructive. Work to overthrow the entire system, not just the part that appears to have turned your estrogen into a tube of spackle compound.

A clear example of the howling madness of the PUMAs (I have to chuckle – sneer? – every time I type that acronym) is evident here. The coagulated cable network White Guy, Chris Mathews – the Interrupter his own damn self – run over by (snark) a couple of PUMAs. Jesus, what crazed theatre! What sticky idiocy. And the crowd behind the PUMAs (snark), the “normal Democrats,” chanting “OH-BAHM-UH, OH-BAHM-UH, OH-BAHM-UH . . .” I hope Michelle didn’t let her girls see that bit of Party Unity, that example of “change we can believe in.”

So, tonight, then, at the Corporate Democratic Convention, comes the finale of this bathos, this critical, moaning need for “catharsis,” this ripping and rending of garments, sack-cloth and ashes, cries and whispers; yes, tonight comes Senator Clinton’s Call To Unity, sort of a maudlin eine Partei, ein Präsident, ein Sieg. Can’t wait. I will be glued to my tee-vee. I want to see Catharsis. I want to witness yet another successful Karl Rove operation, this PUMA psychodrama played out in front of the whole country, in Prime Time, on all the networks, cable and broadcast. Wheeeeeeeeee . . . .!!! Unity? Okay, Hill, hit me with your best shot. I gotta see this.

Lights down . . . then blue spotlight on . . .

Ophelia:

O, what a noble mind is here o’erthrown!
The courtier’s, soldier’s, scholar’s, eye, tongue, sword;
The expectancy and rose of the fair state,
The glass of fashion and the mould of form,
The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!
And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,
That suck’d the honey of his music vows,
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,
Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;
That unmatch’d form and feature of blown youth
Blasted with ecstasy: O, woe is me,
To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!

Okay. She was referring to Hamlet, but you get the point, the poignancy, right?

Oh, yeah. One more little item before we wrap this all up and head out for nuclear war with Russia, or a violent showdown with Iran, or a complete collapse of what’s left of our financial system, or just plain old oblivion. Um . . . what about her old man? You know, Bill. What sort of evil shit does he have packed away? What will the ex-Prez do to seek revenge for the denial of the expiation of his sins? The presidency was to be his gift to Hillary. Bill had a little scene all planned . . .

Dressed in his favorite plaid smoking jacket, holding a glass of Remy Martin, leaning against the door to their bedroom, he casually says, “See, Darlin’? There ya’ go. It’s all over. I may have, you know, really been a bad boy there a coupla’ times, a real prick when you get right down on it, you know, thrust when I shoulda’ parried, but, hell, honey, looka what I got for you! So, you think maybe, Sweetheart you can stop callin’ me a stupid fuckhead now? Huh? Watcha’ think, Darlin’? You’re gonna be the President of The United States, fer crissakes. The leader of the Free World! And, you’re a woman! Show some mercy, okay?”

Not to be. None of it. Good-bye, PUMAs. See ya’, Bill. Mercy be damned. Catharsis my ass. The fun is just beginning! On to November!!!

– MDM

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